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ELLEN - Gladiators

Folge #2.19 "Gladiator Ellen" / "Gladiators"

TRANSCRIPT
 

CAST

    Ellen DeGeneres ............ Ellen Morgan
    Arye Gross ................. Adam Green
    Joely Fisher ............... Paige
    David Anthony Higgins ...... Joe
    Clea Lewis ................. Audrey
    Dan Clark .................. Nitro
    Lori Fetrick ............... Ice
    Jackie Mari Roberts ........ Debbie
    Mike Adamle ................ himself

I. ELLEN'S APARTMENT. Ellen and Adam sitting in the living room, Ellen reading a book. Paige is coming in.

PAIGE

I think, I need a drink.

ADAM

What's going on?

PAIGE

I got into a car accident.

ELLEN

Oh my god, what happened?

PAIGE

I was talking on the phone, and I was reaching for my ice coffee. And I decided to change the CD, so I was reaching under the seat, for the case, and then "Wham!", I slamed into another car.

ELLEN

Well, you mustn't blame yourself.

PAIGE (checking out the fridge)

Do you have any Wodka?

ELLEN

On Wednesdays I let my fish swim in it.

PAIGE

Oh yeah, you don't know the worst about it. Guess who I hit.

AUDREY (coming in)

Hi Ellen! Hi Adam!

ELLEN

Audrey, you smutched your lipstick a little bit.

PAIGE

Oh Audrey, are you sure you're okay?

AUDREY

I think so. There was a moment, right when you slammed into me, that everything went black. I was drawn into this white light. All my dead relatives are there. They seemed so happy. And then they saw me and they said "Go back!" You are not finished on earth yet.

PAIGE

Audrey, don't worry about the car, I'll get an estimate, I'll pay for everything.

ELLEN

Well, the important thing is everybody is OK.

AUDREY

Right. Although a near-death experience does make one realize that one is short. You gotto go for the gusto.

Audrey kisses Adam.

AUDREY

Good bye.

Audrey leaves the room.

ELLEN

Well, it seems like she's over you.

PAIGE

What is this you're drinking and doesn't have liquor in it?

ADAM

It's a seeweed proteine shake. I'm bulking up. 3000 calories in one glass. Do you want some?

ELLEN

No, I shouldn't. I had 3000 Fresca's with lunch.

PAIGE

Excuse me, why are you bulking up?

ADAM

Women like it.

ELLEN

That's not true. I don't.

ADAM

I meant sluddy women.

PAIGE

Paige doesn't either.

ADAM

Ok, the real reason I'm bulking up is, I'm going to try out for the American Gladiators.

Ellen and Paige are laughing really hard.

ELLEN

Seriously, why are you bulking up?

ADAM

Next Saturday I'm going to try out for the American Gladiators.

Ellen and Paige are laughing again.

ADAM

I'm in good shape.

ELLEN

Come on, why don't you go to Wheel Of Fortune instead, then you just have to bulk up the one arm.

ADAM

OK, scoff now, worship later.

PAIGE

Those gladiator guys are huge, they will pound you.

ADAM

Not necessarily, I'm wily and I'm quick.

ELLEN

Adam, this is you. This is the American Gladiators. This is you on the American Gladiators. Any Questions?

II. AMERICAN GLADIATORS' ARENA. Ellen und .

ADAM

Thanks for coming with me.

ELLEN

Hey, what are friends for, to offer a little support, and if you fail, take pictures.

ADAM

Oh my god, look, Gladiators! - That's Ice. Ice is cold, but I can melt her.

AMERICAN GLADIATORS STAFF

Can I help you?

ADAM

I'm Adam Green, I'm here to try out.

ELLEN

And I'm just here to watch.

AMERICAN GLADIATORS STAFF

We don't let specators in, you'll have to wait outside.

ELLEN

Oh, but I'm his mother.

AMERICAN GLADIATORS STAFF

Gladiator rules. The only way you can stay in here is if you'd tried out yourself.

ELLEN

I don't think so.

AMERICAN GLADIATORS STAFF

You look like you're in pretty good shape. I would be a chance for you to test yourself, to pit yourself against the best and see how you measure.

ELLEN

That's true. And it's kind of hot outside, what the hell?

Ellen and Adam are both trying out for the American Gladiators. Adam less, Ellen more successful.

III. Adam and Ellen in the room with the lockers.

ELLEN

Man, I am in great shape. I mean, I thought I was in good shape, but I had no idea in how good shape I was. I mean, I'm in peak condition. Do you know the feeling?

ADAM

Is it similar to bleeding internally?

ELLEN

Man, you should have seen me in Powerball. That Becky woman thought, she could score on me, but not on my watch.

ADAM

I know, I've broken some rips here. For what? To be disqualified because I couldn't do 40 chin-ups?

ELLEN

Oh, come on, quantity isn't important, it's form that matters. And you look great on both of yours. - Anyway, look, all this people have obviously been training for years, you can't expect to just waltz in here and get in.

AMERICAN GLADIATORS STAFF

Ellen Morgan?

ELLEN

Yeah.

AMERICAN GLADIATORS STAFF

In!

ELLEN

Yes!

ADAM

I'm gonna go eat some Gladiator donuts.

ELLEN

Ike!

NITRO

Hey, I saw you out there, you were good.

ELLEN

Oh, well, thank you, I was on my high school gladiator team.

NITRO

I'm Nitro.

ELLEN

Oh, I'm Ellen.

NITRO

Actually, my real name's Dan.

ELLEN

Oh, well, my real name is Madam Destructo.

Adam with Ice in the arena.

ADAM

Hi. I'm Adam.

ICE

Ice.

ADAM

I know. I'm a big fan. Say, ah, aren't you a model, too?

ICE

Yeah.

ADAM

'Cause I happen to be a photographer, and I'm always interested in expanding my portfolio.

ICE

Are you coming on to me?

ADAM

I just might be.

You just hear the sound of Adam being hit by Ice.

ELLEN

What was that?

NITRO

We're pretty rough around here. So you think you got it.

ELLEN

Yeah, you block with the left, dump with the right. Block with left, dump right. Block, dump, block, dump...

NITRO

Good, good, good. I think you got it. Listen, I got to take off, but maybe sometime this week I can give you some more pointers.

ELLEN

Okay.

NITRO

Over dinner?

ELLEN

Oh, it's all going so fast...

NITRO

But maybe I can call ya?

ELLEN

Okay, yeah, try me at my bookstore, Buy The Book. "Buy" is spelled B-U-Y and "The Book", they're just regular words. Just...

NITRO

Nice meeting you, Ellen.

ELLEN

You too, Nitro.

IV. ELLEN'S BOOKSTORE. Ellen approaches Joe with a letter in her hand.

ELLEN

Joe, I just got this letter in the mail.

JOE

Oh, if nothing's too trivial to mention, I just swallowed my gum...

ELLEN

That's funny. I think it's comments like that that may have inspired Mr. Brian Fisher to write.

Ellen hands the letter over to Joe.

JOE (reading out the letter)

Dear propriator, I'm a regular customer... Bla, bla, bla. Books are my only source of happiness since my wife's death... Bla, bla, bla. ...but I find your coffee server rude, sarcastic and give it the fits of unprovoked anger.

ELLEN

What did you do to this guy?

JOE (reading out the letter)

Ellen, if I'm sure about one thing, in my dealings with customers I'm always helpful and polite.

CUSTOMER

Actually, I've noticed you can be a little rough.

JOE

Did you say something, baldy beirdo?

ELLEN

Joe, I want you to be nice to all our costumers, baldy beirdo, giant noseman, Johnny toupet, ward woman, all the regulars.

Paige comes into the bookstore, a letter in her hand.

PAIGE

Ellen, Audrey is sueing me!

ELLEN

Over that car thing?

PAIGE

Yeah! I got served this morning. Look at this. Property damage, grievous injury, emotional distress. I mean, I have listened to her screeching, obnoxious voice for the past six months, and she is sueing me for emotional distress.

JOE

Paige, it is always such a treat to see you, can I offer you a cup of coffee?

PAIGE

Ok. - So, ah, are you going out with Nitro?

ELLEN

I don't think so, I don't know. I mean, what if the relationship progesses, I just can't see myself calling out "Oh Nitro, oh Nitro". You know, I just...

PAIGE

But he's a celebrity, just think of all the great stories you can get from that.

ELLEN

You go out with guys for great stories?

PAIGE

What? Do you think I dated Richard Mulligan because I liked him?

Audrey comes in.

AUDREY

Hi Ellen! Hi Paige! Anyone up for lunch?

PAIGE

Audrey! Sue anyone on the way over?

AUDREY

Hahahaha! Oh that! Isn't that a hoot? My insurance guy is so aggressive!

JOE

Ellen, these came for you.

ELLEN

I never get flowers. "Be My Glyerin. Love, Nitro."

V. ELLEN'S APARTMENT. Ellen and Adam are there.

ELLEN

Adam, Nitro's gonna be here any second.

ADAM

I just finish my ice cream and I'm gone.

Adam is eating his ice cream very, very slow.

ELLEN

Adam!

ADAM

Why can't I stay and meet him?

ELLEN

Why is this so important to you?

ADAM

Well, I was thinking, that he and I can start hanging out. Well, I don't have many jock friends.

ELLEN

You don't have any jock friends

ADAM

Well, what about Andy? He rides dressage. Anyway, as soon as Nitro gets here, he and I are going to bond like nobody's business.

Somebody's knocking at the door.

ELLEN

That's him.

ADAM

Ok, I'm ready.

Ellen opens the door.

ELLEN

Hi, Nitro.

NITRO

Ellen.

ELLEN

Oh, more flowers?

NITRO

Yeah, I like 'em.

ELLEN

That must have been a tough moment for you in your life. Florist, gladiator, florist, gladiator... What do I do? - Oh, this is my friend Adam.

ADAM

Hey, how's it going, man?

NITRO

Good, you?

ADAM

Good. You?

NITRO

Good.

ELLEN

Well, it's hard to jump into this kind of conversation, but we should get goin'.

NITRO

Ah, sure, let's go.

VI. RESTAURANT. Ellen and Nitro having dinner.

ELLEN

This wine is wonderful.

NITRO

It's a Louis Latour 1967. I discovered it when I was in Paris.

ELLEN

Really? Were you on Le Gladiator Francais?

NITRO

Actually, I was abroad to study, I got my degree in french literature.

ELLEN

Really? I mean, really, really?

NITRO

What you think because what I do for living I must be some kind of moron or something?

ELLEN

Yes, yes, I do! I feel terrible, but I did.

NITRO

It's alright. When weigh 2'10 and and wear a spandex tank top to work you kind of ask them for it.

ELLEN

So do you like gladiating?

NITRO

Yeah, I love it. It's physical, it's fun. And every once in a while, you can meet someone very special.

ELLEN

Oh, Nitro.

WAITRESS (serving)

You had the Funghi.

ELLEN

Thank you.

WAITRESS

And you had the turkey.

VII. ELLEN's bookstore. A customer is sitting on a table reading a book, Joe serves him.

JOE

Sir, can I get you a re-fill?

CUSTOMER

Sure.

JOE

Let me get you a frest cup.

CUSTOMER

Thank you. May I say, the service here is excellent.

JOE

It's my pleasure. Brian.

CUSTOMER

Oh, it's Bill.

JOE

Oh.

CUSTOMER

Oh, could you get me some more cream?

JOE

You got legs, get it yourself!

JOE

How's the proteine shake coming?

ELLEN

Mmm, that's good seeweed. Do you want some?

JOE

No, I think I'll snack some of this trash.

ADAM

So how is it going with Nitro?

ELLEN

It's going great. I'm going to see him again this weekend. I am dating an American Gladiator. Joe, no jokes!

JOE

I think it's sweet! But if things don't work out, I can set you up with a mighty morphant Power Ranger.

ELLEN

Yeah, keel laughing! I won't have you around the next time Nitro's over.

ADAM

Don't joke about that. We really hit it off!

Nitro comes in.

NITRO

Ellen!

ELLEN

Nitro! Hey!

NITRO

Hi!

ELLEN

What a nice surprise!

ADAM

Hey Nitro! How's it going, man?

NITRO

Good. You?

ADAM

Good. You?

NITRO

Good. Listen, I got to talk to Ellen, alright?

ADAM

Got ya.

NITRO

Can we sit down for a second?

ELLEN

Yeah.

They sit down.

NITRO

Oh...

ELLEN

What's up?

NITRO

Oh, first of all, I had a great time last night.

ELLEN

Oh, me too. I did. And it was so nice of you to turn that people's motorhome back on its wheels.

NITRO

The thing is though, I can't see you anymore.

ELLEN

Because you going blind?

NITRO

No, it's not you, I mean, you're great, you're pretty, you're funny, you're smart...

ELLEN

I can change!

NITRO

I just don't feel we have any chemnistry.

ELLEN

Oh. Well, I thought we did, but well, ehm... OK, I mean, I understand, that's fine...

NITRO

Sorry, Ellen...

ELLEN

OK. Bye.

Nitro leaves.

ADAM

What did you do to him?

VII. ELLEN's apartment. Ellen and Audrey sitting on the couch, Ellen eating creme.

AUDREY

Oh, Ellen, I'm so sorry Nitro dumped you. Did he give you any reasons?

ELLEN

Chemnistry.

AUDREY

You how that's spelled? T-O-O F-A-T.

ELLEN

Oh! Hu! I'm so tired... I should... You should go.

Paige comes in.

AUDREY

Hi Paige!

PAIGE

Audrey, you have got to call your lawyer off of me. I mean, now my bank accounts are frozen.

AUDREY

It's just until we verify your finances!

ELLEN

How can you sue a friend?

AUDREY

It's not personal! Even my mom and I are sueing each other! I stuffed the supina into her mother's day card. But I'm sencing a little hostility, so maybe I'll scoot. Bye Ellen, bye Paige.

PAIGE

Drop dead, Audrey.

AUDREY

Hahaha! Are you silly!

Audrey leaves.

ELLEN

Chips?

PAIGE

I thought you were in training.

ELLEN

I am. I'm carbo-loading.

PAIGE

Those are high in fat.

ELLEN

So I'm fat-loading, the point is, I'm loading. The competion's tomorrow.

PAIGE

Looking forward to it?

ELLEN

I guess so. I just don't know what to say when I see Nitro.

PAIGE

How about "Go to hell! You had your chance, you ridiculous over-inflated loser!"

ELLEN

Yeah, or - "Hi!"

VIII. At the American Gladiators'. Ellen preparing for the compedition.

AMERICAN GLADIATOR STAFF

Ok, Mike Adamle will interview you in a couple of minutes and then you'll go to the Joust. Fired up, Morgan?

ELLEN

Surely am, Freeman-Snyder!

Meanwhile, Audrey, Paige and Adam are sitting at the grandstand of the American Gladiators' arena.

AUDREY

Hi Adam! Hi Paige! Ahm, Paige, I've been named to ask you, do you own your car outright or are you still making payments?

PAIGE

I own it. Why?

AUDREY

Just making conversion...

In the changing rooms, Ice and Nitro are talking, Ellen approaches but they don't notice her.

ICE

I saw that scinny little book worm you're dating.

NITRO

Ellen? I liked her.

ICE

You did not! You're only dating her to make me jealous.

NITRO

No, I really think that I...

ICE

Nitro, let me do the thinking. You just sit there and look pretty.

ELLEN

Well, well, well, Nitro...

NITRO

Ellen!

ELLEN

Now I see the truth! I was just a pawn in your sick little gladiator love game!

ICE

Funny, they didn't tell me, it was scrawny loser week!

ELLEN

You call yourself a gladiator? You wouldn't last a day in acient Rome!

AMERICAN GLADIATOR STAFF

Here you are! We need you for your interview!

Ellen at the interview.

MIKE ADAMLE

Ellen, your first event is the Joust. I imagine, you are psyched.

ELLEN

Not really, no.

MIKE ADAMLE

Oh, sure you are. You wanna win, don't you? [...]

ELLEN

What's the point?

MIKE ADAMLE

Ah, OK, so what about an opinion about your first opponent. You got a mighty tough draw, Ice.

ELLEN

I'm going up against Ice?

MIKE ADAMLE

Right here, right now. What do you think about that?

ELLEN

I'll kill her.

MIKE ADAMLE

Oh, that's the spirit.

ELLEN

No no no, I mean it. I'll kill you, Ice, you hear me? You're a dead woman. You are one dead gladiator. When I'm through with you, you won't even be a gladiator, you'll be a deadiator! You've got Ellen Morgan going and she brings the hell with her!

Back to Audrey, Paige and Adam at the arena.

ADAM

Hey look, there's Ellen! And there's Nitro! Hey Nitro! How're you doin', buddy?

Nitro ignores him.

ADAM (to the person sitting next to him)

He's a friend of mine!

The American Gladiators main title is shown.

MIKE ADAMLE (voice-over)

So, the stage is set, our event is the Joust. And our challenger is Ellen Morgan, the beligerant bookseller, taking on her very own ice, ice baby. Contenders always look mean before this event, but with these two it almost looks personal.

REFEREE

Three, two, one!

Ellen and Ice in a duel on "The Joust", which is a regular event at American Gladiators.

MIKE ADAMLE (voice-over)

Ellen's surely not intimidated. She's a regular raging retailer. Oh, oh, it could be curtains for this smoking-small business-woman. Ellen in trouble. She's in big trouble.

ICE

Thanks for keeping Nitro warm for me.

ELLEN

That's for hurting Adam, that's for insulting me, that's cause I just don't like you!

MIKE ADAMLE (voice-over)

I don' believe this! What an option! Ellen Morgan has done it!

ICE

He's still mine!

ELLEN

[...] Who's the gladiator now? Who's the gladiator now?

NITRO

Hey, you were spectacular. Can I get another chance, please?

ELLEN

Sure I'll get you another chance. In your dreams!

IX. At Ellen's bookstore. Ellen and Joe standing at the counter.

JOE

Disqualified, ha?

ELLEN

Unsportsman-like conduct. First time in Amercian Gladiator history. But do you know what? It was worth it. Plus I got this neat hat.

JOE

Oh, by the way, I left this seaweed stuff for you.

ELLEN

Oh! Throw that out! Throw it out. Better yet, you know what you should do, is put on a like safe suit or something, and get in the car and drink about five miles out of town and bury it way deep down in someone's backyard, you shouldn't let Diane Sawyer or anybody see it, cause you get in trouble, but come back and scrub down real good.

JOE

OK.

Paige comes in.

PAIGE

Ellen, I've got the best news. I just got into another car accident.

ELLEN

Hey, this is good news!

Audrey comes in.

AUDREY

Paige, I am so sorry!

ELLEN

Again?

PAIGE

And this time, she hit me.

AUDREY

You stopped so suddenly. It was almost as if you wanted me to hit you.

PAIGE

Hahaha, you're silly! You'll be hearing from my lawyer.

AUDREY

Oh Page, we're friends. Why can't we just handle this between us?

PAIGE

Because I think this way, it will be so much more of a hoot!

Brian comes up to Joe with a mug in his hand.

BRIAN

Could I get a re-fill, please?

JOE

Why won't you have a seat, and I'll bring it right to you, Brian.

BRIAN

How do you know my name?

JOE (showing the letter)

Wild guess?

BRIAN

Oh, that! Look, I hope that didn't get you into trouble.

JOE (showing the letter)

No, no, not at all.

BRIAN

Because I have to say you've changed. You're tentive, you're professional. Let's just put that whole misunderstanding behind us.

JOE (showing the letter)

Sure we can. I tell you what: As a peace offering, I'll make you one of my special St. Patty's Day cappucinos.

BRIAN

Well, this sounds wonderful, thanks!

Joe fills the seaweed shake into the mug.

__________________

THE END.

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Letzte Änderung: 30.10.2000
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